


How the Bitch Stole Christmas

by Sylph_of_Breath



Category: Homestuck, How the Grinch Stole Christmas! - Dr. Seuss
Genre: A lot of unnecessary profanity, DO NOT EVEN READ THIS SHIT, IT IS JuST REALLY FuCKING STuPID, Mistreatment of Gamzee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:41:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28252554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sylph_of_Breath/pseuds/Sylph_of_Breath
Summary: A very cursed idea came upon me while listening to Christmas music and this is the result. I'm sorry...
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	How the Bitch Stole Christmas

Every Chess GUy on Skaia liked Christmas a lot…  
BUt the Bitch, who lived just above Skaia, Did NOT!  
The Bitch hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season!  
BecaUse he was a miserable jerk, was the reason.

EXCuSE ME, THIS IS ABOuT ME, ISN’T IT? WHO THE FuCK DO YOu THINK YOu’RE CALLING A BITCH? I AM NOT A BITCH! I AM A BOY! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT BOYS CANNOT BE BITCHES! ONLY GIRLS CAN BE BITCHES! YOu’RE THE BITCH! I AM A BOY!!!!!

It coUld be the stUmp where he bit off his leg,  
He may have been bad since he hatched from his egg,  
BUt I think that the most likely reason of all,  
For his Bitchiness, was his heart- two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason, his egg or his stUmp,  
He stood, Christmas Eve, this detestable chUmp,  
Staring down from his planet with a soUr Bitchy sneer,  
At the Chess GUys on Skaia, getting ready with cheer.

For he knew every Chess GUy on Skaia below,  
Was wrapping their presents with paper and bows,  
“AND WHAT IS THIS SHIT THEY ARE HANGING UP NOW?”  
He bellowed and shoUted, and fUrrowed his brow.

He kept shoUting and pacing aboUt in a fit,  
“WELL, I GuESS I JuST MuST PuT AN END TO THIS SHIT!”  
For tomorrow, he knew, when the Chess GUys woke Up,  
They’d start cheering and singing and woUldn’t shUt Up,  
That’s what drove him insane- they jUst woUld not shUt Up,  
“JESUS CHRIST I JuST WANT THEM TO SHuT THE FuCK uP!”

Then the Chess GUys woUld gather and sit down to eat,  
Black and white both together, each enjoying their treats,  
They woUld feast on roast mUshrooms, frUit pUddings and pies,  
Which is something the Bitch simply coUld not abide!

uGH, DISGuSTING! WHAT KIND OF LuNATIC EATS FuNGI! AND FRuIT PIE!? WHY THE FuCK WOuLD YOu TRY TO MAKE SOMETHING SWEET AND DELECTIBLE OuT OF FuCKING FRuIT? YOu THINK YOu’RE TOO GOOD FOR CANDY, IS THAT IT? YOu ALL THINK YOu’RE SO SMART AND SOPHISTICATED BECAuSE YOu MAKE YOuR OWN DESSERTS OuT OF NASTY HEALTHY FRuITS, DO YOu? DO YOu SEE NOW WHY I CAN’T STAND THESE FuCKING PEOPLE AND THEIR INSuFFERABLE HOLIDAY?

BUt the feasting aside, what he loathed most of all,  
Was the “INCESSANT SINGING, THAT HORRIBLE SQuALL!  
THEY SING ALL DAY LONG AND THEY SING ALL THE NIGHT  
THEY GATHER TOGETHER, THE BLACK AND THE WHITE  
AND THEY WILL NOT SHuT THE FuCK uP OH MY FuCKING GOD IT’S THE MOST OBNOXIOuSLY SHRILL SOuND FOR LIKE TWELVE HOuRS STRAIGHT AND IT JuST MAKES ME WANT TO STAB MYSELF IN THE EARS WITH A FuCKING SCREWDRIVER!!!”

"WHY, FOR TOO MANY YEARS I’VE PuT uP WITH THIS SHIT"  
"I JuST MuST FIND A WAY TO PuT A STOP TO IT!"  
Then he got an idea! An awfUl idea!  
“YES! THIS BITCH HAS A WONDERFuL, AWFuL IDEA!”

I TOLD YOu I AM NOT A BITCH! I WOuLD NEVER REFER TO MYSELF AS A BITCH! I AM A BOY! _I AM A BOY!!!!!!_

“YES, I’M A GENIuS! I KNOW JuST WHAT TO DO!  
I’LL DRESS uP LIKE SANTA AND SLIDE DOWN THE FLuE  
AND I’LL STEAL ALL THE CHRISTMAS STUFF FROM THOSE CHESS GuYS  
THEN INSTEAD OF THEIR SONGS, I WILL JuST HEAR THEIR SWEET, SWEET, DELICIOuS, SAD CHRISTMAS CRIES!”

So he made Up his costUme and rigged Up his sled,  
BUt there were no deer to pUll it, his whole planet was dead.  
Did that stop the old Bitch? No! The Bitch simply said,  
"IF I CAN’T FIND A REINDEER, I’LL MAKE ONE INSTEAD!"

“YOu, CLOWN! YES, YOu! GET THE FuCK OVER HERE!  
SINCE YOu SIMPLY WON’T DIE, YOu CAN BE MY REINDEER!”  
So the clown, with a _hOnK!_ Replied, “hEhE, yEaH, oKaY!”  
And the Bitch tied poor old Gamzee Up to his sleigh!

Then the Bitch kicked the clown-troll to make him start going,  
And they flew down to Skaia, his small Bitchy heart glowing,  
For he knew that his plan, to sneak in while they sleep,  
And steal all their Christmas-y stUff Up to keep,  
“WILL SuRELY CAuSE ALL OF THOSE CHESS GuYS TO WEEP!”

He laUghed his foUl Bitchy laUgh til they reached the first roof,  
And then jUmped in the chimney and cried oUt a loUd “OOF!”  
He got stUck in the flUe, for a moment or two,  
“IF THAT FAT BASTARD SANTA CAN FIT, I CAN TOO!”

When he fin’ly UnstUck and slid into the hoUse  
He first got to work on the stockings, the loUse!  
He took them all off from their mantelpiece hooks,  
And he stUffed them all into his bag, that old crook!

He snatched Up the holly and the mistletoe,  
He ate Santa’s cookies and drank his cocoa,  
He snatched Up the bags and he snatched Up the boxes,  
He even took Chess Granny’s handknit wool sockses!

SOCKSES? REALLY? IS THAT THE BEST YOu COuLD COME uP WITH? REALLY, SIS, THAT’S IDIOTIC EVEN FOR YOu...

Then he went to the kitchen and cleaned oUt the fridge,  
He left no food at all for the feast, not a smidge!  
He stUffed it all into his bag with sUch glee,  
He even took all of their peppermint tea!  
Then went back to the den for the dear Christmas tree!

As the Bitch pondered how he woUld take the tree Up,  
A small Chess Girl appeared in the door with her cUp,  
“FuCK!” he cried oUt, when he noticed here there,  
Little Pawnya the White, who looked stUnned at his swear.

“Santa, please, why are you taking our tree?  
And our presents, and stockings, and peppermint tea?  
I promise I’ve been a good girl all this year!”  
Said poor little Pawyna, as she shed a small tear.

BUt, yoU know, that old Bitch was so sleazy and sly,  
He qUickly came Up with a cUnning reply:  
"YOu DARE QuESTION ME, CHILD, THE GREAT SANTA CLAuS?  
WHY, THIS IS THE WORST FuCKING TREE THAT EVER THERE WAS!”

“I’M TAKING IT HOME JuST TO FIX IT FOR YOu  
THEN I’LL BRING IT ALL BACK, OBVIOuSLY, NOW SHOO!  
OH, AND A THANK YOu WOuLD BE NICE, YOu uNGRATEFuL SNOT!”  
Then he sent the small tot right on back to her cot.

And when little Pawnya was back in her bed,  
He stUffed Up the tree to take back to his sled.  
And the last thing he took was the fireplace log,  
He left only a crUmb, mUch too small for a frog!

And he went all aroUnd throUgh the whole neighboUrhood,  
And he took all their trees, decorations, and food.

THAT DOESN’T EVEN FuCKING RHYME!

He took all the presents, and prizes, and toys,  
From all the Chess girls and from all the Chess boys!

Then fin’ly the Bitch’s foUl task was complete,  
So he kicked his poor clown and he took his sleigh seat,  
And while all the Chess GUys were still fast asleep dreaming,  
The Bitch flew back home, satisfied with his scheming.

When he and his clown had arrived back at home,  
He found a clear view of the checkerboard dome,  
“I CAN’T WAIT TO HEAR ALL THEIR CRIES OF DESPAIR  
INSTEAD OF THOSE GOD AWFuL SONGS IN THE AIR!”  
Said the Bitch, as the sUn rose on Skaia, sqUare by sqUare.

“THOSE DuMB CARAPACESS WILL WAKE uP IN TEARS!  
AND THEY’LL WAIL AND THEY’LL SOB, SWEET MuSIC TO MY EARS!  
I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THE SAD LOOKS ON THEIR FACES  
WHEN THEY CAN’T HAVE THEIR CHRISTMAS, THOSE DuMB CARAPACES!”

And then that old Bitch, well, he did hear a soUnd,  
BUt the wails and the sobs were nowhere to be foUnd,  
“WAIT, WAIT A MINuTE, WHY THE FuCK ARE THEY SINGING?  
WHY THE FuCK ARE THEIR CHRISTMAS BELLS STILL FuCKING RINGING?

The Bitch looked on in horror, he coUldn’t believe it,  
They were still celebrating, he jUst coUldn’t conceive it,  
“BuT I TOOK ALL THEIR PRESENTS!” the Bitch bitterly cried,  
“I TOOK ALL THEIR TEAS, AND THEIR PuDDINGS, AND PIES!”

“I STOLE ALL THEIR STOCKINGS, THEIR TRuMPETS AND DRuMS,  
SO HOW IN THE FuCK DID THEIR CHRISTMAS STILL COME?”  
BUt Christmas had still come to Skaia below,  
It came withoUt boxes, and ribbons, and bows.

The Bitch was confUsed, and he cUssed and he swore,  
Then he thought a thoUght he’d never thoUght of before,  
“WELL I GuESS THAT STuFF ISN’T WHAT CHRISTMAS IS FOR  
MAYBE CHRISTMAS,” he Bitched, “MEANS A LITTLE BIT MORE…”

“WELL FINE,” said the Bitch, as he re-packed his sack,  
“IF THEY’RE JuST GOING TO SING ANYWAY, I MIGHT AS WELL GIVE ALL THIS BACK!  
I DON’T WANT ALL THIS CHRISTMAS SHIT HERE ANYWAY!”  
And they say the Bitch’s heart grew three sizes that day!

And now that his heart wasn’t so very small,  
He packed his sleigh Up and he broUght back it all!  
He retUrned the toys, food, every Christmas sUpply,  
And he, HE HIMSELF! The Bitch, even sliced Up the pie!

_The End_

WOW, THAT STORY FuCKING SuCKED! COMPLETELY uNREALISTIC IF YOu ASK ME! THE VERY PREMISE IS JuST RIDICuLOuS, WHY THE FuCK WOULD CHESS GuYS EVEN CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS, OR EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FuCK IT IS FOR THAT MATTER? AND EVERYONE KNOWS THEY CAN’T TALK, LET ALONE SING! ALSO THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY HEART, IF ANYTHING MY HEART IS ALREADY TOO BIG AND STRONG AND POWERFuL, AND BESIDES, THAT’S NOT EVEN HOW HEARTS WORK! REALLY SHODDY STORYTELLING IF YOu ASK ME! WELL, KEEP PRACTICING AND MAYBE IN A YEAR YOu’LL BE ABLE TO COME uP WITH SOMETHING THAT ISN’T SuCH INCOMPREHENSIBLE HORSESH... ___ The End! _

**Author's Note:**

> A very cursed idea came upon me while listening to Christmas music and this is the result. I'm sorry...


End file.
